The countdown has officially begun. . . . only 2 and 1/2 weeks until my(AmyRose) July 1st return to the States!!!
I'll be honest--I have to the very best of my ability attempted to be fully present during the entirety of our trip here. I have purposefully neglected counting days left or days-to-go. But, at the 2. 5 weeks left mark, I have finally found it quite impossible to NOT count down the days. So, 20 days it is :)
20 days until my 19hr. layover in London, England. 21 days until I fly into KCI airport and then race straight to Des Moines, IA to be in my best friends' wedding. 21 days until I see my dear Tommyboy. My nearest and dearest of friends. My family. And while 21 days gets me quite excited, to the point of consuming my daily thoughts at times--I have found myself quite torn concerning my return to the States.
As absolutely stoked as I am to see everyone again, and especially to see my best friend marry the man of her dreams--I must say I am absolutely terrifed. I am not simply coming back to friends and family and good milk and Sonic and the ability to drink tap water without becoming ridiculously ill. I am coming home to unemployment. I am coming home to a car that will be costing $1,500 to fix in order to pass inspection. I am coming home to ZERO health insurance. I am coming home to college loans. I am coming home to a quite large, unpaid hospital bill due to a discrepency with my last insurance company. I am coming home to LOTS of white people. But mostly, I am coming home to uncertainty.
I don't know much about my return. I know who I want to see, but that's about it. I don't know what I will drive or where I will work. I don't know where I will live. I don't know when I will get to come back to my home for the last 6 months.
And yet, in all the uncertainty, I am overwhelmed with Peace. God has said, time and time and time again, "AmyRose. Please, BE STILL. "
Being still is far from easy for a wanderlust soul.
It is hard to be still when ever time I we go to Abba Home my heart breaks a little more when I realize within less than 3 weeks I won't be a 5 min. boda-ride away from 31 children who have completely stolen and broken my heart. It is hard to be still knowing that although I came as I had promised, and although I loved and served and gave--I will be leaving orphans behind. And beggars. And witch doctors. And widows.
It is hard to be still when visions of HIV/AIDS patients, 8lb. 8month old babies, and children with tropical ulcers covering half their limbs haunts my mind. It is hard to be still knowing most of those left with a month supply of vitamins and 20 tabs of pain killers, but short of that not a hope in the world.
It is hard to be still, most of all, when I am uncertain.
I am uncertain of whether or not Abba kids will ever be adopted, or what/who they will grow up to be. I am uncertain that HIV+ Emily from SSanyo babies' home will live past 2 yrs. of age. I am uncertain whether the lame beggars in Kampala will eat a single meal today, or tomorrow, or the next day. I am uncertain of where I will be upon my return. I am uncertain of where I will work, live, love.
It is quite a deal easier to be still in Uganda, 3 months in. It is simpler when our days consist of playing with orphans and reading on the beach on Sundays and waking up every morning to the best Kenyan coffee you've ever tasted, the brightest sun you've ever seen, and not a care in the world other than loving whomever may draw near.
It is not so easy to be still in the States. It is not so easy 21 days away from more uncertainty than I ever knew possible.
And yet, He continues to whisper, and sometimes scream at the top of His immortal lungs, through their dark chocolate arms and thankful eyes,
"BE STILL."
I'll be honest--I have to the very best of my ability attempted to be fully present during the entirety of our trip here. I have purposefully neglected counting days left or days-to-go. But, at the 2. 5 weeks left mark, I have finally found it quite impossible to NOT count down the days. So, 20 days it is :)
20 days until my 19hr. layover in London, England. 21 days until I fly into KCI airport and then race straight to Des Moines, IA to be in my best friends' wedding. 21 days until I see my dear Tommyboy. My nearest and dearest of friends. My family. And while 21 days gets me quite excited, to the point of consuming my daily thoughts at times--I have found myself quite torn concerning my return to the States.
As absolutely stoked as I am to see everyone again, and especially to see my best friend marry the man of her dreams--I must say I am absolutely terrifed. I am not simply coming back to friends and family and good milk and Sonic and the ability to drink tap water without becoming ridiculously ill. I am coming home to unemployment. I am coming home to a car that will be costing $1,500 to fix in order to pass inspection. I am coming home to ZERO health insurance. I am coming home to college loans. I am coming home to a quite large, unpaid hospital bill due to a discrepency with my last insurance company. I am coming home to LOTS of white people. But mostly, I am coming home to uncertainty.
I don't know much about my return. I know who I want to see, but that's about it. I don't know what I will drive or where I will work. I don't know where I will live. I don't know when I will get to come back to my home for the last 6 months.
And yet, in all the uncertainty, I am overwhelmed with Peace. God has said, time and time and time again, "AmyRose. Please, BE STILL. "
Being still is far from easy for a wanderlust soul.
It is hard to be still when ever time I we go to Abba Home my heart breaks a little more when I realize within less than 3 weeks I won't be a 5 min. boda-ride away from 31 children who have completely stolen and broken my heart. It is hard to be still knowing that although I came as I had promised, and although I loved and served and gave--I will be leaving orphans behind. And beggars. And witch doctors. And widows.
It is hard to be still when visions of HIV/AIDS patients, 8lb. 8month old babies, and children with tropical ulcers covering half their limbs haunts my mind. It is hard to be still knowing most of those left with a month supply of vitamins and 20 tabs of pain killers, but short of that not a hope in the world.
It is hard to be still, most of all, when I am uncertain.
I am uncertain of whether or not Abba kids will ever be adopted, or what/who they will grow up to be. I am uncertain that HIV+ Emily from SSanyo babies' home will live past 2 yrs. of age. I am uncertain whether the lame beggars in Kampala will eat a single meal today, or tomorrow, or the next day. I am uncertain of where I will be upon my return. I am uncertain of where I will work, live, love.
It is quite a deal easier to be still in Uganda, 3 months in. It is simpler when our days consist of playing with orphans and reading on the beach on Sundays and waking up every morning to the best Kenyan coffee you've ever tasted, the brightest sun you've ever seen, and not a care in the world other than loving whomever may draw near.
It is not so easy to be still in the States. It is not so easy 21 days away from more uncertainty than I ever knew possible.
And yet, He continues to whisper, and sometimes scream at the top of His immortal lungs, through their dark chocolate arms and thankful eyes,
"BE STILL."
4 comments:
AmyRose...I am praying for you and your life back in the states. I know that as you were faithful to the calling the Lord put on your life to go to Africa...that you will also be faithful to the calling God has for you as you continue in life. Let me know how I can help on your job search!
Amy
oh dearest rose! you will be home so soon. im praying that God gives you direction and peace. i love you and i cant wait to see you.
So we are on the some continent again :) I hope you are doing well Rosie! There are SO many uncertainties about being back in the states, it is a HARD transition. Travis and I feel like we are still on square one but day by day God continues to give us the peace and the faith to keep on waiting and trusting in him.
Hi,
I hope you don't mind me leaving you a comment. I noticed you have a heart for Him and are a follower of Katie Davis' blog. I'm a 26 year old woman from England who has been called of God to become a Mama to many Ugandan children. I move to Uganda in January of next year and will be taking in children & loving them, just like Katie. I wondered if you might perhaps be interested in my blog. The link is:
www.icarryyouinme.wordpress.com
If you aren't, please just ignore this message.
Have a lovely day!
Gabi
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